I took the weekend off from work.
Not really because I could...quite the opposite, the pressure is still on to finish this work project & report by close of business tomorrow.
Actually, it was because I feel so depressed that I have to summon up everything I have just to do the the things that I absolutely had to do at the specific time. Thing is, I finished testing Friday night which felt like an accomplishment, and then suddenly it hit me...the pressure from work, the emotion that I denied myself to feel when my dad wrecked his car horribly and that feeling of not knowing whether he was ok or I was about to lose him for the 30 minutes of waiting in silence, the fact that one of the pillars that I depend on the most for reassurance and peace is suddenly in peril and I have no idea how to help him, dealing with a new-found sense of responsibility and having to bear a load when I feel like I'm racing towards burnout, and a painful reminder of something I lost long ago that I may never get back in this lifetime.
All at once. And then there's everything else...I'm tired. I don't want to get married. I don't want to date. I'm tired of people pressuring me towards dating and marriage like it's the best possible thing I can do. What if I can't? What if I won't? Why do people always have to end statements about me being single with "well, don't worry you'll find her"? I think the human soul is kind of like the human body: Some injuries you can heal from completely and resume full activity, and others cut so deep into you that you're simply physically restricted from being able to do all the same things as others. We see it in athletes all the time...some come back stronger, and others just have to retire after a bad knee injury or broken bone and find other ways to live and enjoy life, and we accept the likely permanence of that with understanding. Yet when it comes to the mind and soul, just because they are less tangible in the physical world, they are for whatever reason not subject to the same limitations, and so regardless of how serious the trauma it's this push to go, go, go. What I wish I could tell everyone is "You don't know what it feels like to be made to feel special, uniquely special and utterly worthless at the same time...to have your identity obliterated right along with your self-esteem and the idea that people can be trusted, much like a shattered mirror, and then somehow think that if you're not over it by now you're just not working hard enough to fix things. I can have friends, even close friends, and be a dang good friend, and a good family member...I think that's as far as I go. So stop it...stop asking me to be more than that to someone else." I think I'm doing good for me, ya know?
I don't even think I want kids anymore. Nursery time at church is fun, but only because I reminisce about the time when a special bunch of kids were that age...I think something happens to you when you help raise someone else's kid. After you go through the diaper phase with them, you don't want to go through that again, and so on. It's like the joy of having your own child and experiencing life through their eyes is fulfilled in getting to invest in them...my wonderful nieces and nephews that I love to death.
This silence. The unique ability to be able to choose to keep your twin-size bed, or upgrade to a queen-sized bed out of want rather than of need. Even being able to process what feels like a thousand pounds on your shoulders without having to explain to someone else what you're feeling rather than being alone to process....even if loneliness IS what you are processing.
I dunno. I'm just tired. I hope I can make it through tomorrow.
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