As I sit here feeling like a slave at work, eating cold lasagna for dinner, and continuing to fight back the tears of sorrow, of being overwhelmed, and of feeling like I've given up everything to this and it still demands more, I can't help but think that I can't blame the people who finally hit the point where continuing another day seems worse than just ending it all. I can only pray that God has mercy on them and can give them peace from the torment and pain that led them to make such a drastic decision.

This is no way to live. I have given up too much, and continue to give out of what I no longer have. It feel a sorrow as if my soul was already lying on its death bed, taking what it fears may be its last few breaths. Something has to change before that happens, because a living body that allows its soul to die seems equally severe as the loss of physical life.

I'm afraid for what will become of my career, but I can't keep this up...it will kill me.

Psalm 86

Incline Your ear, O LORD, and answer me;
For I am afflicted and needy.

Preserve my soul, for I am a godly man;
O You my God, save Your servant who trusts in You.

Be gracious to me, O Lord,
For to you I cry all day long.

Make glad the soul of Your servant,
For to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul.

For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,
And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.

Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer;
And give heed to the voice of my supplications!

In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me.

There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord,
Nor are there any works like Yours.

All nations whom You have made shall come and worship before You, O Lord,
and they shall glorify Your name.

For You are great and do wondrous deeds;
You alone are God.

Teach me Your way, O LORD;
I will walk in Your truth;
Unite my heart to fear Your name.

I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart,
And will glorify Your name forever.

For Your lovingkindness toward me is great,
And You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.

O God, arrogant men have risen up against me,
And a band of violent men have sought my life,
And they have not set You before them.

But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth.

Turn to me, and be gracious to me;
Oh grant Your strength to Your servant,
And save the son of Your handmaid.

Show me a sign for good,
That those who hate me may see it and be ashamed,
Because You, O LORD, have helped me and comforted me.



...God, may this prayer ring true over my life despite the many ways that I have failed you. Thank you for being slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness.

Dear 2011

Dear 2011,


PLEASE END AND NEVER COME BACK!!! (and try not to overshadow or push any of your hellishness into 2012)

Sincerely,
-Greg

Year 26: Day 2

Roughly a year ago when I was houseshopping and was stuck between two townhouses that I really liked (one in Morrisville, the other, the one that ended up becoming my home), I remember driving once by each of the houses and I had a scary moment after I went under contract for my house where I felt like I heard a very clear "don't buy this house!" when I was standing in front of it.

It was one of those moments where I questioned whether that was just my normal, overly cautious mind working itself into a worry and yelling on the inside, or if it was a voice that I should have listened to.

Now, I wonder whether I should have ever jumped into buying a house here in Raleigh...because at that moment I made a statement or a decision that I was here to stay. No longer was I free to pick up and go wherever I wanted if the winds of change led me elsewhere, and that is a decision that I have had to weigh very carefully lately on whether I regret it or if it was a good thing. Not that I have any idea of where else I would go, but suddenly one of the anchors that gave me a good reason to stay in Raleigh is on the brink of existing no longer, and the other anchor is feels like it is pulling me down into the depths at a rate faster than I can adjust.

Suddenly, I feel like the wind was knocked out of me, and I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore. I feel trapped by a job with incessant demands and I'm losing steam and cracking under pressure just to get a massive project underway. Lately, on many days I just go home feeling like I've worked lots of hours just to deliver a performance that I consider adequate and somehow I either feel or suspect that my boss is aware of this shift and is disappointed.

I feel like I want to re-engage but am afraid of burnout.

Physically, I feel like I've lost all drive to be the athlete that in my mind I want to be, much in the same way that at work I want to be the top notch go-to guy.

Spiritually, I am just simply at a loss as to what to do, or how to react.

On the eve of my 26th birthday, I finally finished watching the movie Philadelphia, which features a gay character played by Tom Hanks where he is suing his employer for HIV/AIDS-related discrimination and is in the terminal stages of AIDS. There is a very emotional scene nearing the end of the movie where he is sick in the hospital and each of his family members come up to him and say their "goodnights" before they leave. I lost it during that scene, because for a moment it didn't matter all of the poor choices that Tom Hanks' character made that landed him on that deathbed...in that scene he had the one thing that the loneliest of hearts howl for on a cold, dark night (and it is not spoonfuls of nutella): It is the unconditional acceptance and love of his closest friends and family who knew everything about him. His mom, his dad, his brother...and so on. Yeah, I use the word acceptance deliberately despite it being such a trigger word these days. Clearly his loved ones didn't want to "accept" his fate (whether they've deemed it out of normal or deviant behavior)...but they simply loved him as a whole...the good, the bad, and the ugly. Sometimes it's easy to forget what that feels like, or that it can even be experienced in real life.

What a depressing way to begin another year of life. Maybe a haircut will help.

HGTV + Greg = Not Resting Until I DIE!!!

Speaking of not resting, I got KO'ed by a migraine for a couple of hours earlier tonight, which meant me not getting the things done at work like I wanted to so I wouldn't have to work (or feel guilty for not working) on Monday. BUT, now that the meds have kicked in, and I'm feeling nice & energized by a Wendy's Spicy Chicken sandwich, I'm off to fixing some more stuff at work.

However, I got the BRILLIANT idea to check if the cable tv at work carries HGTV while I run some installations that take about an hour a piece, and the heavens opened and I am watching HGTV in HD, and life is wonderful. Ahhh...I think HGTV appeals to the blue collar worker in my genes. I'm becoming convinced that buried somewhere in every Hispanic's genetics is hidden (or public) love of manual labor.

Ahhh, manual labor...so many things I wish I knew how to do, and if I had unlimited time, brainpower, and resources, here are the many skills I would love to add to my knowledge palette:
- The contractor named "Jose" in me would probably appreciate knowing: plumbing, carpentry, drywall, electrical work, tiling & brick veneers.
- The green "Joe" in me would love to know: diesel mechanics! I also recently became aware that there is a biodiesel plant in Wilson, NC!!! How cool is that? Best of all, biodiesel prices are comparable to gasoline & petroleum-based diesel prices! ...maybe there is a future oil-free alternative fuel in biodiesel??? I hope so if it means Made in the USA! :) ...that, and a little on solar paneling, real furniture restoration skills, and while we're at it, some serious gardening & landscaping skills.

Ugh...I think I'm gonna have to pick and choose a few, or else I'll be 85, really tired, and still nowhere near finished. But for now, I'll enjoy some Income Property while this last install finishes up! (I LOVE this show!)

The God I serve.

I am still reeling from this week. My brain is going at a million miles per hour.

This week began with a nightmare that I desperately wanted to wake from. I thought I was going to lose my Dad, and there was nothing I could do for him, and I couldn't even get to him in time.

When the nightmare finally sank in, my heart & soul were unconsolable, not because I didn't know where my Dad would end up...in fact, I am blessed that my Dad is a believer. My plea was "no, not this way". Not with Mom being so close to retirement and finally getting to breathe, and with Dad being so far away and none of us being able to get to him.

The only thing I could do was pray. Pray the desperate big words of "God, please do the impossible for me"...and with me joined prayer after prayer, first from family, then from facebook contacts, then from their churches, and the prayer request went viral, and it was one of the most powerful displays of the body of Christ that I think I have ever felt.

I hate to hyper-spiritualize anything, and the scientist in me always wants to try to find some rational explanation, but there is nothing rational to be found here.

1) My dad happened to be in our home city and not on a flight or somewhere else. Some coincidental run-ins happened where friends and family bumped into each other and exchanged phone numbers to re-connect with Dad while he was visiting. One of these happened to be the director of a new wing in the hospital where my dad was taken to. Another happened to be one of the top neurologists in the area.

2) Dad deteriorated so bad that he was non-responsive. The doctors were forced between not doing the brain surgery and certain death, and doing the surgery at an elevated risk that he might not make it anyway. Doctors were surprised by how easy the surgery was, and how the bleeding had stopped. Somehow I would never group "brain surgery" and "easy" together...but they claim that the surgery couldn't have gone any better given the circumstances.

3) As soon as my dad was out of the OR, he immediately responded and recognized my uncle (also a doctor). The next morning, he was sedated, but speaking and thinking clearly. By the afternoon, he was even joking around.

4) The heavens opened, and my mom made it safely in travel as we kept hearing report after report of people amazed by how quickly Dad was recovering. By the time she got to him, his head bandages were off, he can move his hands and feet, recovered sensation, has a sharp mind again, and is speaking normally.

I am so thankful for God's provision, for his protection, for his response, and most importantly, for being greater than the things that can keep me up at night. I prayed, and I got my miracle. My dad is alive thanks by the pure grace of God guiding coincidence, surgical hands, and straight-up divine intervention. I don't have enough words to express thankfulness to the God I serve.

Invictus (unconquerable)

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

"Invictus" by William Ernest Henley (1875)

God, I thank you for the freedom to be the master of my fate and the captain of my soul...that I am not bound to the chains of sin, or a slave to a nature that in its insatiability, is utterly destructive. It is my prayer that I neither forget this freedom, nor take it for granted.

I am preparing for a battle that I already feel like I am in the middle of. I have to hope that the end result will be worth it...or at the very least come out a little manlier with some extra sword-wielding muscle and spartan-like appearance (sorry, this is serious, but I had to throw in a little humor in wishful thinking).